Heated Rivalry has turned this entire planet into a pack of rabid, slobbering animals overnight. I’m not kidding. When was the last time the gays and the straights united this hard over a sport? (And don’t you dare say The Cutting Edge—that’s eternal scripture, not a debate.) Straight women are now fluent in the offside rule, my group chats are just goalie memes set to Chromatica, and TikTok is collectively on its knees for these Canadian beasts who glide around looking like